ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR VIDEO VAGRANTS #1 IN DECEMBER OF 2020
When I say Creepy Crawlers, you no doubt think of a plastic box you plug into the wall, metal trays, goop in glue bottles, and bugs. Normally, you’d be right. But this isn’t fucking normal, is it? Sure, those things are cool and all, but are they as cool as a fucking animated series? Fucking probably, but that didn’t stop em from trying!
In 1994 Saban (The Power Ranger company) was making BUCKETS of cash, and they decided to throw away a small amount of it to create a 2 season series based on a franchise one could only vaguely even consider a toy. It seems like a good bet at first, kids love bugs and shit, but, how do you make a cartoon about insects? Well you turn em into freakish monster dudes that might be vaguely based on insects, that’s how! But, then how do you tie the cartoon and property together? That part is simple, you put a damned orb in their chest filled with the creepy crawler goop. You like that word, goop? Well get used to it, because that’s the name of the stuff and they play it the fuck up.
The story is simple, Chris Carter (Not to be confused with the X-Files guy) is a kid working in a magic shop, for an asshole of a boss. The dude’s name is Professor GOOGENGRIME, and he gets HELLA mad at Chris for trying to do magic in the MAGIC SHOP. What kind of shit is that? Imagine working in a fucking hot dog factory, and your boss getting mad at you for eating a hot dog for lunch. I can’t get over this fact. Googengrime was a fucking magician, and why would he not want Chris to show off the magic tricks in the MAGIC STORE?
Professor Goon’en’grind
Anyways, Chris is also really smart, and creates THE MAGIC MAKER. A machine that looks exactly like a Creepy Crawlers oven. Due to the planets aligning in a once in a lifetime event, The Magic Maker also happens to bring things to life. THAAATTTT’S where the monsters come into play. You have Jolt Volt, who is the literal fucking light bulb of the machine brought to life as some human lighting bug thing, Tick Trick Tick, which is a mixture of a tick and a shell game, and my fucking favorite. Get ready for this name, it’s the best. HOCUS LOCUST. He’s like a locust and rope? He looks stupid but that fucking name rocks.
Looks more like a Chad if you ask me
“BUT WHAT ARE THEY CALLED?” I hear you scream at the page, anticipating just how far this can go. Goopmandos. They fucking call them Goopmandos, like, all the time. NOW, let’s focus on this goop, for a second, and it’s narrative purpose, shall we? Well the goop, besides trying desperately to tie this to the property, is used as a mechanism to force the Goopmandos to rest upside down. See, the abdomen orb thing has an hourglass inside it, and as it runs down, so does the Goopmandos powers. So, the Goopmandos must rest upside down, to run goop from one side to the other, to charge up the Goopmando’s goop powers. Goop. Goop goop goop goop
So the Goopmandos side with Chris, and Dr. Googengrime steals The Magic Maker. Then, He’s able to make his own damned goop minions to battle the Goopmandos, Called the Crime Grimes. Typical children’s cartoon shit ensues, cool monsters designs, and a wave of attitude. Looks like we have everything we need to…start a line of action figures!? THAT’S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
In the same year Toymax released a series of not only action figures based on the characters, but vehicles as well! Everyone lusted after the Goozooka Assault Vehicle. EVERYONE. All your favorites are there, Hocus Locust, The other Goopmandos that aren’t named Hocus Locust, Sting Ring, Shockaroach, Squirminator, and who can forget Spooky Goopy?! All the Goopmandos had taglines on the packaging that says “Turn me over & see my goop power flow!” Which, as an adult I feel is a statement that should never be seen by human eyes. That leads us to Chris, the Human on that side. No hourglass for him, but they shoehorn a fucking backpack of goop on him so that gimmick can really STICK.
Probably the coolest thing about this range of figures, is the fact that all of them actually come with molds for the Creepy Crawler oven. Mold that could be used to make your own accessories for the figures. Chains, Ropes, Power Cables, and Lighting Bolts. The Crime Grimes figures got this treatment as well, but by far the coolest thing about those are the fact that they sculpted a butt crack on 2-Ugly. Thank you Toymax, for that joyous, unnecessary gift.
Prominent.
The prices on these things are all OVER the place on eBay, but a quick check of sold listings say you can probably pick up a figure for about 20 bucks or less. Even the fucking Goozooka doesn’t sell more much, because this series was just that unknown. Big shock there, right?
After 2 seasons, and 23 episodes, Saban canceled Creepy Crawlers in 1996. They had originally planned a 24th episode that tied the two seasons of the television show together, but we never got that, and we never will. For me, I think the show is just a side note in weird toy history. I remember it existing, and me not really caring DESPITE owning a Creepy Crawlers machine. Shit came on at like 6 a.m., and my groggy ass would have rather watched Mummies Alive! Which, pound for pound had my favorite cartoon theme song of the 90s. Since this is MY website, I’ve posted it below.
When it all came down to it, no one really remembers this shit, and for good reason. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play with my Nickelodeon Thingmaker.
